Monthly Archives: March 2015

With “Blyss Jelly” Ringside

It was an early spring show in Edison, NJ.  It was held still indoors since it is still March.  Although it was the first full day of spring, it was  graced with falling snow throughout.  Nonetheless, here we were showing our dogs on a week-day no less.  It was my first time taking Jelly (Ch. Kasharra Bibikov Maskova) to a show and I must say I had a bad case of nerves.    I wanted her to do well, as a parent bringing a child to a dance recital.  My apprehension was foolish and misdirected.  In the ring she was as graceful and flawless as a ballerina.    No need for worry there.   And although I knew she wished to be elsewhere, she did her job effortlessly, as if to say, “It’s alright……I’ll do it.”

I had bathed her the day before, and her coat  sparkled as if it contained silver star dust.  Her almond set eyes were large, dark and deep set, giving her face the innocent expression of a fawn.  They especially accented her face against her pure white color of her coat.  Her beauty could make one’s heart ache.  She did well on two of the three days.

Looking back on it, I learned something to bring with me the next time.  I know nerves are badly frayed on a show day so perhaps I should overlook the breaches of kindness in others to their own stresses.  Whatever, I have waited a very long time to bring another borzoi to the ring and I wanted everything to be perfect.  To me, it was because the dog I was with was a borzoi and it was with Jelly.  I thank her breeder for entrusting this beautiful borzoi to me.  Words can never express my gratitude to her for bringing the sunshine back into the very dark place that has been my life for a long time.

Looking outside tonight as I walk Jelly in the seemingly cold, winter air I see the moon in its waxing crescent phase, seemingly revealing only a crescent shaped sliver of light, I thought how much like that my life is.   The whole world around me feels dark and cold yet as I step out into it with Jelly, there is a place perhaps far away, distant and remote, where there is a sliver of hope, light, warmth and beauty that is mine.  I only need take the time to seek it, cherish it and love it very much.

 

All too familiar visits by unwelcome thoughts

“I know nothing of days of the week…weeks of the year.”  Charles Dickens.

“The song remains the same”.  Led Zeppelin

It really does not matter what I do today, who I am with or what beloved gifts I may receive, even if it is a treasure such as my beautiful Jelly, they do not keep away the demons that consume me, barely hidden beneath the surface, lurking here, there to ruin everything I try to be and do.

It does not matter who they are, or how many people I know.  Nothing and no one can rid me of the terror of isolation with which I live most intimately.   Even on a good day, and among friends, it is always a step or two behind, or within reach of sound.  It reminds me of its presence, but how can I forget?   I never do.

I wondered out loud  at my mother’s funeral last November, or so I was told, that “we will be back here again soon, only that time  it will be mine.”  Was this a prescient foreshadowing?  After this weekend, the long sleep of death seems like a welcome relief.

It would be so much better to go in the opposite way of these ideas and  distance myself from these voices, but they draw me in with their seductive feel-good words of truth – for me.

Today I have had an unusually difficult day.    I have been emotionally  battered to abuse by people I trust and love the most.    I only wanted to go to a dog show but the usual pleasure of a day spent immersed with borzoi and their owners eluded me.   Then the weather changed unexpectedly and it started to snow.  I dealt with it by myself.  I know, I should be able to do that.

Later on, I wanted to talk on the phone to a close friend, but that person denied me that simple satisfaction.    At the end of the day, nothing worked out.  The rhythmic unrelenting voices speak to punish me for my pain, perpetuating it onward.  In the end, there was only Jelly to be there for me, though poor companion that I was for her.