As we slowly go into winter, every passing day is a reminder of how quickly it will be upon us, as the days that temperatures hover in the 40s and the 50s on the thermometer become more commonplace. These are days when one must wrap oneself in multiple layers of clothing before leaving the house even to do a brief dog walk. And it is still only autumn! The very chill fills me with disdain for my world. And as it does, I feel the strong arm of depression pulling me down hard and back to where I should never venture alone yet there I am in spite of it.
Almost four weeks ago, Jelly suffered serious juries to her front legs that have been slow to heal, one leg in particular. I have been taking her to our veterinarian twice a week ever since, approximately a 100 mile plus round trip because I trust the veterinarians in that practice. Tomorrow, we go again, and I hope it will be our final appointment. This has taken a lot out of me emotionally. Please let tomorrow be the last day of this.
The bright lights in my world continue to be the joy I derive from reading Facebook. There I can glean the latest news of “Lucy” (Mikhailya’s grand-puppy), and “Lucy’s” son “Vinto”, (a great-grandson of Mikhailya’s). The news is that with Vinto in Japan, and Lucy now being shown in the “sun belt” of the United States, they are both winning regularly Best in Shows! This warms and cheers me almost every day, since the owners and handlers are very generous with their publicity and these beautiful borzoi are always on Facebook. I copy these e-photos and save them in a folder on my hard-drive so I can share them on my Blog and always have them to go back to. The most recent photographs are attached.
In the meantime, I derive joy from the accomplishments of these two beautiful borzoi that are connected to my life. They are truly my accomplishment of the “blyss” I set out to find in 2002 when I said “Yes!” to buying my first borzoi! And yes, I do credit my “Mikhailya”, a rare, beautiful and extraordinary borzoi that I knew should be bred and convinced Karen Staudt-Cartabona to do so to Regal in October 2008, leading to so much success for Karen and me.
Therefore, I will work hard on improving my attitude at being happier and realizing I cannot do anything about any of the problems I think about all the time. After all, its roots run long and deep going all the way back into a violent childhood. Like all victims of abuse, it shadows adult life preventing one from achieving their potential. Comfort is often derived in self destructive habits, or unusual things. An exaggerated love of animals is common, and victims of physical abuse are very common among people committed to living closely with animals. For myself, my true love was lavished on a second great Majenkir bitch we came to own, my beloved Opal. The pain of her loss remains unparalleled in my heart; it cuts me all the way down and makes me lose my will to live. I say her name, and her image appears to me in my mind’s eye; her beauty and sweetness had no equal……Opal……tears……prayers….. And today, I have My Tre.
Baby Opal wins her first show, shown with Bob and me; Bucks County KC 2005
Tresor and Jelly continue to be wonderful life companions for me every day. Tresor, especially, has grown more affectionate and loving toward me since we have been living alone in our home. I think to myself, why do I want to share this beautiful dog with anyone? I have had to share him with other people all of his life, and now it is just him and me. And, with Jelly, whom he also adores. Tresor, “My Tre”, “The Tre”, is blissfully happy here with us, and when I think of my life that way, I can find a crumb of happiness and a mote of optimism for someday, that someday, the pain will go away and something will happen so my life will be better. In fact, perhaps it is better already.