Monthly Archives: January 2018

Trying to join the human race again from Blyss Kennels

Having lost Tresor so recently, exactly four weeks ago from today, I am trying to orient myself to the human race again, or at least give myself that appearance.  I had not even tried before this.  I signed up for my eight week yoga class the Mountainside town offers for its residents.    It’s a wonderful class, and I need the exercise the movements provide to me.  I need all the strengthening of my core I can get.  I am a frail and fragile woman but need to regain bone and strength.  I am back at Church and participating in Church life.

I don’t know how I am doing so well.  I will give some credit to my doctors, the ones I met and had to establish long term relationships with after Opal died in 2006 and I was still suffering deep grief in 2008 and was unable to go on.  Drugs with strange names like Pamalor and Seraquel come to mind.  There are more, several more.  They help me cope with pain; they keep pain at bay; all kinds of pain.  That’s been the difference between the two events.  I have help this time.   I had none in 2006.

Still, I must have learned something about resilience and its value, how important it is to be able to stand on your own two feet, the desirability of being autonomous, no matter what you lose: mothers, husbands, beloved borzoi and other equally loved dogs I am sure such as Yorkies, Malteses, a Cairne and even a Fox Terrier!  No, I liked my dog breeds challenging, for sure.  I like a dog that shows it thinks!  There is so much more of it to love.

But it was the sur-reality of borzoi love that did me in; a dog breed that can mimic human emotions of love yet ready to hunt savagely in a heart-beat!   A dog with a beauty so breathtaking you do not believe your own eyes!  You become ruined for another breed.  If you cannot have another borzoi, why have a dog at all?

My Russian Prince is gone.

He is nowhere to be found except in my visions, and then he is everywhere.  His toys and dog beds still litter the floors, his kibble holder remains, as do his leash and collar.  When I walk into a room, I expect to see him there, and in a way I do, in a surreal vision of memory that cannot let go.  My Tre: if only we could have been together just a bit longer; if you could have made it to ten years.  I feel cheated that you left too soon……but whenever it would have been, it never would have been long enough.

Your Beloved littermate, Magnus, left in August, to great shock and grief.  I should be grateful for the extra months of time.  But now, I am left to grieve in the deepest darkest days of winter, as I go through the motions of being a good dog Mom to Jelly.  She has a way of keeping my focus on her, like that is her job now.  Her great depth and breadth of beauty, so unlike yours, distracts me.  It’s like, why did I never notice it before?  It was because yours was like a light that blinds all others, and all I could see was you.

She even tries to mimic your recently found naughty ways.  You did not approve of my new part time evening job in a nearby department store.  So you started to counter surf  and raid  the garbage for the very first time in your life.    Now, to my shock and horror, Jelly has begun to do it too.  Where you ate my bag of Balthazar bakery croissants, she ate my favorite peanut butter cookie from Quick Check and stole one of the daily pill holders from my weekly pill tray.  Was this a suicide attempt, I wonder?  Like you, she  wants me home with her more.  I know I am being judged, and I do not get any more of a passing grade from her as I did from you.  In the end, I let you down and so you perished.  Will Jelly?

Friends are avoiding me, waiting for me to call them first to talk.  I guess I am not on peoples’ luncheon lists anymore.  I hear there is gossip about when I plan to put away the dog beds (notice the plural), as if there were so many.  I want to leave your bed and personal items in place forever.  After all, this was your home.  I have no friends anymore, I accepted that years ago.  That’s why You, my Darling Boy, were so precious.  Better than human, you held me in your highest esteem of love and I dwelled in a paradise of that divine gift where no person could hurt me again.  I had you then …..My Life Treasure…… My Tresor!  Farewell, CD Blyss O’Majenkir Heavenly Treasure!

Macine Bochnia
Portrait of Tresor

Portrait by Maxine Bochnia, Fandogs.

2018 A New Year at Blyss

Today is January 1, 2018, a new year at Blyss Kennels.  I am left here with Jelly.  I cannot be happier about that.  Jelly is as perfect a borzoi as a borzoi can be.  She is calm, relaxed and happy.  She gives me no cause for stress or concern, unlike several other borzoi I have owned, including Tresor.  But Tresor’s loss only stands to remind me how lonely I truly am.  That even the dogs leave.  I see myself more realistically now.  I am not going to meet someone at the supermarket, church, or online.  Perhaps I am not approachable or lovable, or I come across as a person that prefers their own company.  Actually, considering those whom I have met, male and female, I actually do prefer my own company.  Therefore, I am a solitary human except for the company of my borzois which I actually prefer.

I do, however, enjoy the company of my dog club friends, especially those in the borzoi breed.  I enjoy the club work and comradery.   With that in mind, I am determined to attend the Borzoi National Specialty Show in May, all the way in Seattle, WA.  I plan to be away for the entire week  That is something huge for me to look forward to.

To help pay my many expenses, many unforeseen, I have found a part-time job working at a large, local department store in the next town from where I live.  It has not been “easy”, and it has taken me a while to learn the job, but I seem to have survived the initial three month training and probation period, and I am on my way to being a permanent employee.  Although I thought the money would help, I spent it all in one day at the vet, Tuesday December 12, 2017.  That was the fateful day that Tresor was diagnosed with an abdominal hematoma and was euthanized while Jelly was there for a senior check-up.  I have large balances on two credit cards and a home equity line of credit.   Although their amounts are trivial compared to my overall net worth, I am supposed to be able to live on the interest from my principal, and I would like to see these expenses reduced.  However, home ownership in the NY Metropolitan Area, and multiple dog ownership with  borzoi covering fifteen years has made for large bills.  My income from the interest has been insufficient.  It is sad that regarding money, no matter how much I have, it never seems to be enough.  My dreams for a Superman to step into my life during the last six years since Bob died have not come to fruition.  On the contrary……  The only men I have met have been men who wanted to take and given nothing in return but their rage and emotional abuse.  Sadly, I even prefer that to being alone.  It is they who walk away, not me.

So, it does not help that Tresor is gone……   I have to be strong…….   It is what it is…..  There is no one to help me…….   I have to do this alone…..   Without his extraordinary love and beauty, I will be more alone than ever……..    Sometimes I wonder……why go on?

So it is a good thing that Jelly is here.    I put that up on Facebook yesterday.  It is just Jelly and me now, and that is a good thing.  I am so grateful to her breeder, N24, for letting me have her three years ago.  Even though my ex boyfriend, the only one that ever mattered but is gone now, built the dog door for her, I am grateful to them both for making this wonderful gift happen for me.  We are together, and it is a success.  Jelly and me.

Jelly portrait by Maxine Bochnia