It is October 2020, and one month ago, I faced three harrowing challenges alone.
The first occurred five weeks ago. A significant other, someone I thought I could love and trust, created an ugly scene over seemingly nothing, and walked out suddenly, without any explanation that made sense to me. My emotional makeup makes the acceptance of events like this virtually impossible without intense emotional pain.
A day later, and one week prior to the separation, I had to take Kensie to Garden State Veterinary Specialists in Tinton Falls, NJ for a series of comprehensive tests. She appeared to be “fading” for lack of a better word, being lethargic, feverish and not eating. It appeared that at that rate, she could have died. I wanted to address this prior to my own upcoming health challenge. Fortunately, all of her tests were normal, adding to the mystery of what was wrong with her. I had to confess that my intense relationship with my boyfriend had resulted in a diminishment of my attention to her, and she was acting out. Since the boyfriend left the day prior to the visit to the vet, it was almost immediately that she returned to the old Kensie I knew before. Only now I notice how very clingy and needy she is emotionally. She came to me in late January, and due to COVID-19, she was accustomed to having me all to herself. Apparently, she liked it that way.
The third event occurred exactly four weeks ago. I had been given a diagnosis of lung cancer and I underwent a surgical procedure to remove the lower lobe of my left lung. Coupled with the emotional trauma of the precipitous separation of the previous week and the crisis regardingf Kensie’s health, I struggled painfully and long to recover.
We all have our little crises, canines and humans alike, over how we want our love, over how much we want, over how much we need, and over what happens to us when we lose it. The boyfriend ran out of the house in a seemingly fabricated rage over a bad case of nerves. Kensey felt she lost my love. And I was in terror over a cancer diagnosis. It brought out the worse in us all.
As I hate to be alone more than anything in the world, having my borzoi, and now Kensie my Silken Windhound, is essential. But I do not do so well outside of a relationship with a significant other, either. But I cannot “fix” that problem as easily as buying a dog. In fact, it is in the hands of destiny regarding how it will be resolved. I have learned I cannot do very much about it. If there were a personal God, He would have had mercy on me long ago having tired of my repetitious prayers and Novenas. He would have found and sent me the man who truly loved me, free of abuse and abandonment. But there is no such man Today, I walk alone through the maelstroms of bizarre challenges and events that mar my life like a scar. For they are challenges and events He has put in my life. Therefore, I must live them alone but gratefully, with Kensie, today. For we are partners in recovery from the brink of death.