As the days and weeks have passed caring for Tresor with his neck pain condition, I am brought back in time to when we had Blyss Opal (Raynbo Opalesque at Blyss) in 2006 and learned she had a terminal illness. Although the two diagnoses are total different, Tresor’s condition reminds me of how fragile life, health and happiness are. My Tresor does not understand why he has so much pain when he tries to move around, or simply change a position he is lying in. He does not understand why he cannot go on his walks that he loves so well. He only knows a great deal of rest and confinement, and that is unnatural for a young, healthy borzoi.
Yet his illness is guilty of bringing me back to a dark place. It makes me recall what it is like to lose a most beloved pet as Tresor surely is. I must be strong but I foresee it will be hard to practically impossible to face the end of his life. Tresor is a very special and dear dog to me, what they call a “Heart Dog”, meaning he holds a special place in my heart. It is a place only held by Opal, ten years ago. So, just seeing ahead, this parting will not be easy, however it happens.
I will try to think of happier things to fill my mind, such as his overall good health, as well as that of my own. Even that has not been easy for me of late. Suddenly everything appears challenging and difficult for me. I suppose the reason is because I love something that is so separate from myself, meaning my borzoi, that I cannot control what they do or what will happen to them. They are at the mercy of destiny, tossed around like my “Hounds of the steppes…..” so how can it be otherwise? They are here one day and gone the next, in a heart beat. I know this yet still, I am heavily weighed down with much on my mind that I cannot articulate well. Yet, in the present, I am doing my best to enjoy them every minute they are here.
I will try harder to dwell in the present positive, such as being evoked in the blessing:
In our comings and in our goings, may the light of love shine upon you
Come forth from within you, be gracious unto you, and bring you peace.
For this is the day you’ve been given. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
And ignore the toxic memories of the past that intrude into my present thoughts, as articulated in the beautiful song, “Name”, by the Goo Goo Dolls:
“Even though the moment passed me by, I still can’t look away
Saw the dreams you never thought you lose tossed along the way;
Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far.
And I won’t tell no one your name.”