I am thinking of being alone today and wondering why that is so hard for me. I think of that song, “The World I Know” and listen to it on YouTube.
The October chill has returned, and with it rain. The furnace that had been off for so long turned itself back on. Where are you, ———– ? Well, I hope you are happy with the outcome you created. You proved “everybody told me so” was right. I made a mess of things again.
There are qualities that I look for in a man: physically and emotionally/psychologically. Like, it’s hard to put into words, but I call it a spiritual understanding; “a connection”; not always having to say a word but knowing what the other is thinking and/or feeling or would say if they spoke. Or, someone who can really quiet my mind of its racing thoughts; make me feel quieted; relaxed. That would be a really great quality, too. Or best of all, someone who can make me forget what I know is my inexorable destiny that in the end, I am truly alone. I wonder if encountering a special man who can overcome destiny itself and have to create a miracle to reach me will ever happen to me again during the remaining time I have left to my life. I am sure you wonder about that, too. If not, the ending is an ugly picture best left undescribed.
On Monday, I am traveling to Jelly’s breeder’s, N24’s home, in NY State, for a breed club meeting for the NY club. The people that I know from that club will be there and I am looking forward to that. It is also N24’s birthday on Tuesday. I found an especially perfect gift for her over the summer. It is a set of brown pot holders with a beautiful and ornate outline of a borzoi embroidered in gold threads. I will only be there one night. Then, back to home to Blyss Kennels, Mountainside.
Summer seemed to last long here at Blyss Kennels in Mountainside, NJ during this otherwise uneventful fall of 2016. The heat lingered well into October and the need to use the furnace then was only intermittent. No sooner did I turn it on than the temperature climbed up to 75 degrees in the morning again. In other times, I would have taken my borzois in the van and gone to Cape May to one of a few inns that allowed us to bring them.
The memories of those happy days and the companions who assisted me there are long past. Perhaps I could go there with Jelly, but I could never go and leave Tresor behind, and I could never bring them both. I am friendless these days, so I would have no help with Tresor, alas, I am stuck home for the gorgeous month of October. Not only that, the temperature in Cape May is ten full degrees warmer than it is in Northern New Jersey. The thought of the happy times I have lost is like a twisted dagger in my heart. The most recent friend, whom once I thought was so true and loving, turned out to be like so many others before, untrue and hateful, so much so, that I asked him to leave. After he left, I felt as if I jumped off a cliff into an abyss of fear – without a bungee chord.
My poor borzois, who love to be taken to the sea, remain here with me in Mountainside. I am grateful to the two new dog walkers I have found for Tresor. Even Jelly has a friend who takes her hiking on the trails in Watchung Reservation! I do not believe they grieve the loss of their former friend, but surely they must wonder as do I: why?……. where?…….when?……
I have sought solace in the peace of prayer. There is nothing else to do. I am in God’s hands. I have done all I could to find happiness in relationships and husbands. Nonetheless, I always find myself in the role somewhere between a freak and a failure. But if God made me, I am in His image and therefore must be good. It is not for me to judge only to beg for mercy from the horrible pain of loneliness these separations impart. But, I tell myself, I have Jelly and Tresor……. So, I try to tell myself that I am really not so alone after all.
When I walked to church this evening to attend a special program of the Rosary Altar Society, to a church that is so close that I can see it from my living room window, I was bathed in the light of the full moon. I felt illuminated by its effervescence. Perhaps it was the Eye of God. Catholics are taught when they are little children that God’s eye is always watching and protecting them. For myself, I have survived the chaos of my life. I have endured and gone on to do the special work God has laid out for me as an adult. In my case, among other difficult acts of love, it was to take care of his dogs; many dogs; only now, the dogs are and have been His borzois.
Later, walking home from the Church in the moonlight, I saw myself standing on the beach of Delaware Bay with my borzois. I am taken back in time by several years. My husband, Bob, took some wonderful photographs there a long time ago! How I cherish them. They are framed and proudly displayed in my home as well as on Facebook. Mikhailya – Casanova – Paris – Ebony! How empty my life would have been without them! They were among – if not – my best friends! Today I have Jelly and Tresor, and I have their own stunning portraits, too. Gifts from God, I cherish them all. I know I am blessed. I can only pay God back through my adoration and prayers, and trying to be worthy of all that is and has been good in my life.
So together let us welcome this balmy October weather. As the temperatures rise, let the skies be blue and full of puffy white clouds, the kind where Mary can place her footsteps wandering in heaven. And as she does, may she impart her blessings and joys on those who look up to her in prayer!
BCCNJ participated in a day of being out with our dogs, dogs of all breeds, as part of the Morris and Essex Kennel Club who held a great dog event in Madison, NJ. Clubs were able to hold their own Match shows in the morning, which BCCNJ did, and in the afternoon, Morris & Essex held theirs, with members of our Club participating. I did not bring my dogs, but I came with my flyers with information about Borzoi to hand out for the Meet the Breeds part of the event. Many people came by to our table or ringside to look at the borzoi and ask questions.