This has become another rather difficult time, and a cold, snowy winter at that, a time of having had to make a change that I had no input into making, it was imposed upon me by someone else who really over reached his boundaries in how his decision impacted me. No, I did not get to choose but it happened anyway as it has many times before. The one unifying trait of these former friends, mostly men but the phenomenon occurs with girlfriends, too, is the sudden, unforeseen, cold, silent treatment I receive. I am not worth a syllable. Two men in my past were so determined to get away from me, they died. The others looked at me and saw damaged goods, and they fled.
The only truly happy love I have had in my life was when my husband and I had our borzoi, and bred our one litter. However, when life was at its best, he was taken out with an illness that was terrible and swift. Much has been written about my joy living with my borzoi, and yes, it was a profound and perfect joy, free from the treachery of human love, so often based on self serving motives. They are gone now, and not to be returning. Today I have a new dog, a beautiful Silken Windhound bitch from the Wind ‘n Satin kennel. Her name is Kensey (CH GCH Wind ‘n Satin It’s My Party) and she is lovely. She comforts me with her love. But I am as lonely as ever, doomed in romances that repeat my failures of childhood. As with my parents before, I evoke terrible rage and disappointment in men, and I cannot imagine what all the fuss is about. If they wanted to break up, all they had to do was say so and be a gentleman about it. Instead, they blame and slaughter me for alleged unforgivable wrong doings towards them. And it just goes on and on and on.
I will look ahead to the May dog shows that will be held first in Bethlehem, PA, where I will be among friends for a few days. I will have had my second COVID-19 vaccine so I should be safe to participate. Later, during the third week, I will be in Wilmington, Ohio for the Borzoi Club of America National Specialty Show. I will put the winter with its painful cold behind me. I will be all smiles and hold my head high. I am not like the other ladies who have to be married to survive, no, I can be quite the survivor on my own, as I have these long, past ten years. Yet, I believe somewhere, out there, there is somebody worthy of my love, I just have to find him, or he to find me. I am working on it, a work in progress, for as long as I draw breath. If not, I know I am enough of a self reliant person to go on, to do the right thing, and be happy alone.