Hitting the wall but still standing

I find myself abandoned and alone, still having or needing medically necessary surgeries and pharmaceuticals, and am still unable to connect in any meaningful way to someone who truly cares about me.  The most strange and bizarre men look me up or find me, only to fail to be able to return the most basic  requirements of intimacy; being everything from spewing forth psychobabble to icy silence.  I don’t know which is worse.  I know only time will tell, but at this advanced age, there is not much more time left.  I am someone marked to fail at intimacy in a most tragic way, because I cannot imagine anyone who has tried as hard as I have at it and failed so many times.  It is baffling.

Fortunately, I find my joy elsewhere, in my beloved breed, the borzoi, and the people who breed, love and nurture them.  I am so over the cripples who try to tear me down with their inadequacies only to make me feel I did it to them.  I no longer will believe the love word when it is whispered and the despair expressed at having found me too late in life, I am just going to go on being me, happy among my borzoi and their breeders.   I actually think the gentlemen know I love the breed so much and it distresses them, like they are competing with a dog, and they cannot handle that.  Well, yes, they are competing with a dog, but I have a great capacity to love, and I can love both humans and dogs.  Whatever it is at the root of this failure, I will rise above it, especially next week.

Next week, the Borzoi National Specialty Show will be held in Wilmington, OH and I shall be there.   I will be flying there, and I have a room mate at the host hotel.  That is such a blessing and an accomplishment that I am not going to allow myself to be affected by this gentleman or that, one who cannot speak at all, another who wants to talk to me about “romance” but that’s all.  None of the men I meet really ever wants to meet, being on a dating sight is just something they do because for some reason, each specific to the individual, they are out there failed and alone like me, and that is the best they can do.  It is very sad.

But, I am looking up and forward to Ohio and being among people whom I respect and have learned so much from, people who have welcomed me into their lives and their homes, people with generosity of spirit, who have given me the supreme complement I could ever have, the placement of their borzoi and Silken Windhounds at Blyss.

Two week-ends ago  was the May spring borzoi specialty shows and the Central NJ Hound Association show.  The borzoi were stunning, and  many bred in Europe were entered.  I only went to the Hound Club show, because on Saturday, I celebrated Mother’s Day with my son and his family so I had a conflict.  But it was a lot of fun being there with everyone on May 9.  The show was very well attended, and the quality of the dogs being shown was high.  On Saturday, a great win, BISS and BOS, went to our first borzoi mentor and seller, Joseph Lara and his partner, Scott Modica.  It was well deserved.  On Sunday, Jennifer Zucker and Linda Barad’s Swiss import won Best of Breed and went on to a Group Four.  A lovely bitch she was showing from Ksar kennels in Atlanta GA went Winner’s Bitch and Best of Winners.  She was acquired as a stud fee acquisition and fits in beautifully with their current line of borzoi.  So, even though a lot has changed and it was different, at the end of the day, many of the same skilled, committed people were there, 20 years after we first got our first borzoi, Casanova, from Joseph, and he kindly introduced us to everybody and sponsored our memberships into many clubs.

Maybe my idea that I am not happy is a delusion.  I have my male admirers on the fringe of my life who keep me in their loop, but that’s the best place they can handle being in with me.  I have been told I can be hard to know or be with, and tough  minded.  Well, yes…   I have had to fight hard to stay standing in my life.  And I am still standing.

I leave next week to go to the National in Ohio, and I could not be happier about  anything else than that.