During the past three days, I found myself among the members and friends of my primary clubs, two being borzoi breed clubs, and one a hound club . It was all rather wonderful, even if I did have to drive a long way to attend them.
There was one breeder at these venues, N23, who bred the bitch I am hoping to bring home to Blyss soon whose name is Jelly. I am so pleased and excited about this development. My contractor is getting closer to completion of the dog-door – mud room project and that will make things move along nicely for my ability to get her. This being a very long drive, he has even said he will take me there free of charge. I have returned the favor in kind by being how shall I say, charming. I have made several home-made dinners and I know him well enough to know it makes him happy. Meanwhile, at the eating disorder program, my team has decided to let me come in only three half days, down from five full days. I am grateful and thrilled, even thought it has meant eating more than I would like and putting on some pounds.
Comments were made by several of the ladies at the parties that I appeared to have gained weight. However, they also commented that I looked better than I had on previous times they saw me and wished me well. I thanked them for their gracious comments of kindness. I thought about this driving home and felt less happy about it. Fortunately, my clothes still fit me, although they are tighter than I would like. For now, I will accept the weight and try to be happy at meal time. I am especially trying to eat the food on my plate instead of throwing it away in the garbage. I try to remind myself that food is medicine.
At church this morning, the Minister reminded our Unitarian-Universalist congregation that all humans are inherently good and their inherent goodness influences the perfectibility of others and the world. It is a theology of “win-win” that I wish more people would embrace. It is a theology that embraces all humans, believing none are intrinsically bad, welcomes all of human kind, is loving and supportive to all in need of sustenance of any kind. It is a fascinating concept to incorporate into both a personal road map as well as a theology given the approach of most Judeo-Christian theologies that are based on being forgiven for sins. I believe it is a theology that is appropriate for me. For today, for the first time, I am trying to live on the light side of what has been a very dark and bleak life-long depression for me that just now allows me to emerge into the light. It is a good thing for me to know that my Unitarian-Universalism faith supports my wellness.
Against this backdrop, I talked to many people at the club parties. It seemed that many people knew about my struggles with food and a recent termination with a significant other. Both topics had to be discussed to some point with them and it was difficult to do so. Things between my boyfriend and me became very complicated when my mother wanted to reconcile with my sister, N25, and me in August. He made demands of me that I could not accept and so it ended. Then, for some reason, I stopped eating in a normal way. It was not purposeful or intentional, I just handled the stress in that way. However, I cannot think badly of my boyfriend who did so much for me during the year we were together, especially when I was so sick. And so I choose to see his goodness of which there is much in abundance. He is difficult to be with and to understand. I know I gave the best of me that I could and my conscience is clear. I intend to remain his good friend to him and be true to my theology.